Ex-Raver Sucked into YouTube Vortex.

This satirical article originally appeared on
wunderground

An ex raver had the shock of his life along with his wife when during an evening of whimsical reminiscing he was sucked into a time portal and transported back almost two decades.

Alun Zammoman was quietly spending yet another night in his basement playing clip after clip of old rave footage whilst listening to Ellis Dee and Slip Matt mixes when the strange occurrence transpired. Alun said:

I was minding my own business sat at my laptop going through my nightly ritual with the wife and kids upstairs asleep when the room started to spin. At first I put it down to over packing my sneaky one skin spliff with too much Soap Bar, but this felt different to a normal whitey.

With the room still spinning, I carried on looking for old Ratty mix tapes and commenting on videos about how much I missed the good old days and what I wouldn’t give for just one more Yellow New Yorker. As I pressed ‘post’ to leave my comment on the Fantazia ’91 video, I really started to spin out. The room started to close in and a bright light from within the screen started to call to me. Suddenly I felt my crushed spirit begin to leave my body and enter my shitty Dell laptop.

Alun then began to recount the amazing tale of how he was transported back in time though some secret ex raver YouTube vortex to New Years Eve 1991, just as Top Buzz were dropping ‘Bombscare’ at Fantazia in Exeter.

Alun continued:

The next thing I knew I was on a podium wearing dungarees with a pork pie hat and a dummy in my mouth. It was perfect. I even found a slightly soggy wrap of Pink Champagne inside my Kickers, plus a couple of Love Doves and a Purple Ohm in my wallet. It was ace! I was absolutely rushing my tits off, shaking hands with everyone, reaching for the lasers and giving it large. I even got off with some bird from Coventry who looked a bit like Micky Finn which was highly erotic, as I hadn’t been near my missus in months.

Since I discovered the internet 2 years ago I’ve spent every single night on YouTube commenting on old rave clips and DJ mixes, so I presume this was my reward. To be fair my sex life had become non existent, but that didn’t really bother me at the time as I found out that there are other websites to channel those particular urges. I’d basically fallen into a rut of late night raving and wanking.

Unfortunately for Alun, just as he was really starting to get into the Top Buzz set, he was fired back through the vortex and transported back to his semi detached house in Northampton. As he started to come round from his existential out of body experience, he felt a new vigour that he hadn’t felt in decades.

Alun’s wife, Maureen, continues the story:

Alun bounded up the stairs like a Labrador on heat with his lipstick hanging out. He was like a wild animal that night, but one that strangely smelt of Vicks, Embassy Filter and Amyl Nitrate. I’m still trying to wash the stench off the curtains! I’m really not sure what to make of it all, but it’s changed our relationship and home life for the better, and for that I am forever grateful.

Alun still spends his evenings in the basement watching old rave footage, but now ensures that he spends more quality time with his family and less time hunting down rare Dreamscape clips. In summary, Alun said:

The whole rave idealism was based around everyone being one big happy family, and I guess that I lost sight of those closest to me whilst trying to find my way back to Utopia via YouTube. It’s all very well reliving former glories and wanking, but not every single night. I’m going to concentrate on living for the here and now.

Wise words I think we can all agree with from Mr. Zammoman there.

  • Laptop Raver