Disclosure Didn’t Invent House Music.

This satirical article originally appeared onwunderground

A deep house raver was taken to hospital this weekend and placed on a ventilator after becoming hysterical upon learning that Disclosure didn’t invent house music.

25 year old mother of one Christy Adetola was in a stable condition after learning the news that shook her Ivory Tower to it’s very foundations. Christy, who has been deep house raving for almost 12 months, now accepts that the Lawrence brothers from Surrey did not invent the recent house explosion that has taken over the UK high streets and beyond.

Christy said –

I see myself as a proper clubber and Disclosure mean everything to me. I used to buzz listening to Rihanna and N-Dubz 12 months ago, but after ‘Latch’ there was no going back. Those two Disclosure boys invented a sound that not only took over my life, but also my wardrobe and the way I acted. I still wore loads of make up, but stopped wearing dresses and started going to deep house raves dressed like an extra from a TLC video. I even stopped glassing other girls in pubs and starting dabbing Mandy and doing bare Ket . I even learnt how to do the shuffle to ‘Au Seve’ and bought a bumbag. It was nice to be there at what I thought was the very beginning of the house music scene, and now this. I’m absolutely devo.

Sat in her hospital bed, Christy whimsically continued to reminisce about what it felt like to mistakenly believe you were one of the first people to discover house music.

Christy continued –

After I had my tag taken off I was really able to fully get myself into this new style of music before it went mainstream. You can now hear Disclosure being played in the gym, Poundland, even in the Nandos. It made me feel special that I was there in the Rat & Parrot when they played the original promo of ‘Latch’, what I thought was the world’s first ever house tune.

After that I started hitting the big raves around the country. I went to see MK in Milton Keynes which was sick, as it was his first home town gig in bare years. I went to Ibiza for the first time and went to the D-10 rave which was something else. This new girl on the scene called Kerri Chandler was playing. She was absolutely banging and so was the club. Apart from all the Spanish and Italian people, I’m not sure what they were doing there as I’m pretty sure Ibiza is a British colony like Benidorm. I usually go Napa with the girls, but this year I wanted to be on the cutting edge with all my peoples in San Antonio.

It’s a bit annoying when you think you are one of the pioneers of a new youth culture and start to see other people getting into it after you. It was like when my sister started listening to Dappy. I was well ahead of her as I was a massive N-Dubz fan before Disclosure came along, but I guess everyone’s got to start somewhere. I just thought I was one of the lucky few to be on the crest of the house wave before it hit the rest of the world.

Unfortunately for Christy, she stumbled across a ‘History of House Music’ video whilst looking for a Jamie Jones Boiler Room Session on YouTube. It was then that the new world she thought she had helped pioneer began to crumble around her.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing. Loads of chat about Detroit, Chicago and New York in the late Eighties. I wasn’t even born then! Plus all these DJ’s I’d never heard of. Who the fuck are Frankie Knuckles and Larry Levan?! They sound like my teachers at school! I swear down that neither of them have played a Hot Natured event, or even Circo Locust. They probably haven’t even been to Ibiza. Or Napa. Wasteman.

It was during this YouTube revelation that Christy started to hyperventilate and was rushed to hospital for a full diagnosis. Thankfully she pulled through and now has a slightly more grounded opinion on the origins of house music.

Christy confessed:

I’m not saying I was wrong right, but maybe house music was around before 2013. I’ve listened to a couple of the older tracks now though and they are shit, you can’t even shuffle to them or nothing! Plus people wore really stupid clothes back then, not like how we do now. To be fair I’m getting a bit bored with Disclosure anyway since the album came out. Everyone is on the house ting now and it’s probably time for something fresh. The scenes gone a bit stale. Plus Dappy’s on Celebrity Big Brother, so I’m not that bothered if I was wrong. It’s like whatever innit.

  • womanhospitalised